well. i seem to have dug a pretty little whole for myself haven’t I? i never learn my lessons. i keep making the same mistakes, sometimes i even make them willingly hoping for a better outcome. maybe i never stopped loving Will….that’s the only explanation i can come up with at the moment to understand why i am acting like this. clingy, freaking out when he won’t make time for me…wishing we would text more….or maybe because he was my first in a lot of things i just can’t let go of the attachment or that connection even though its no longer there. i have no idea. what i do know is i have become a serious problem in his life and that was never my intention. its obvious that i have become more effort than my worth and i fear sooner rather than later he will stop talking to me altogether. i am going to distance myself and then see if he wants to hang out in the future but the likely outcome will be a no. i think ive done too much damage. maybe we can be civil towards each other when i see him but we can never be the friends we used to be. and i need to admit to myself that the reason i dont sleep over anymore has to do with the fact that we wont ever be together also. he picked a funny time to stop leading me on… i know its been said….still hard to accept. oh well. shit happens right?
i can be normal… i used to be normal. i guess because i got so wrapped up in a boy i lost sight of who i used to be. and when that person decided other things, yeah i got jealous. i will admit i now and probably will for a while feel inferior to Sarah and Ashley. i shouldn’t. Will has given me many reasons to beileve this….but that shouldn’t hold me back. and maybe he wasn’t being a very good friend when he did that. i need people in my life who don’t hurt me for fun or make me feel inferior for no reason. i miss the way the friendship used to be. i miss it terribly. but i can’t go back in time and undo my first kiss. my first time. i can’t undo loving him or the conversations we had or the nights i slept over. though if im honest with myself i probably wouldn’t change it anyway. still miss it. and finding someone to rebound with would just screw things up. i would end up hurting someone or get hurt again myself. thick skin where are you!!!? lol
i don’t want to talk to Will for a long time. i know im going to miss him and this plan will probably be shot in the foot come weekend but i dont want to talk to him at all. hes drama. he blames me for drama concerning ashley and that whole thing. i dont want someone in my life that only drains anymore. i can’t let him take all the blame for it alot of its me. he was expecting me to back off and stop loving him and get used to the transition…and i did NOT handle it well. all of the backlash of that is on me. and im more effort than my worth. i just don’t know how to be around him anymore. if i ever want a friendship to work i just have to get used to the fact that he has found other people he wants in his life and is leaving you behind. and the more hung up on it you become..the worse it will seem. ask him he wants to hang once in a while and if he says no and you see him with sarah and ashley dont feel bad about it. just deal with it.
